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Stop Toddler Hitting and Biting Without Losing Your Mind

Writer's picture: Dr. Renea SkeltonDr. Renea Skelton

Updated: Feb 4

Toddlers. One minute they’re sweet, cuddly angels, and the next, they’re tiny tornadoes of chaos, launching full-force into the biting and hitting phase. If you've ever found yourself staring at your little one, wondering if you’ve somehow raised a baby velociraptor, you’re not alone.


A toddler tantrum.

I once had a client, let’s call her Sarah, who came to me exasperated. Her 2-year-old, Jake, had developed a habit of whacking his older sister every time he didn’t get his way. Playground scuffles were becoming a daily occurrence, and Sarah was exhausted from the side-eye she got from other parents. “I swear I’m raising a tiny boxer,” she joked. But behind that humor, she was desperate for a solution.


The Brain Science Behind Toddler Aggression


First, let’s take a deep breath and acknowledge something important: toddlers aren’t hitting or biting to be mean. Their little brains are still under construction. The prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for impulse control and reasoning) won’t fully mature until their mid-20s - yes, 20s. So expecting a 2-year-old to have self-control is like expecting a goldfish to drive a car.


When toddlers lash out, it’s usually because they’re overwhelmed, frustrated, or unable to communicate what they need. Their fight-or-flight system takes over, and instead of using words, they use... well, fists and teeth.


What Not to Do When Your Toddler Hits or Bites


Sarah’s first instinct was to say, “Stop! That’s bad!” every time Jake hit his sister. But here’s the problem - toddlers don’t process shame the way we do. When we focus on what not to do instead of teaching what to do, we reinforce frustration rather than helping them develop emotional regulation skills.


Another common misstep? Hitting back or using harsh punishments. Neuroscience tells us that modeling aggression actually reinforces it. So if we respond to hitting with more aggression, a toddler’s brain learns that hitting is an acceptable response to frustration.


The Neuroscience-Backed Approach to Stop Toddler Hitting and Biting


Instead of reacting, we need to teach. Here’s what worked for Sarah and little Jake:


  1. Stay Calm and Keep It Short

    When Jake hit his sister, Sarah practiced staying calm (even when she wanted to scream). She got down to his level, made eye contact, and used a simple, firm statement: “We use gentle hands.”


  2. Label the Emotion

    Instead of just saying "No hitting," she acknowledged Jake’s feelings. “I see you're mad because your sister took your toy.” When kids feel understood, their nervous system calms down faster.


  3. Show the Right Way

    Toddlers need alternatives to express their frustration. Sarah taught Jake to stomp his feet or take deep breaths instead of hitting. And guess what? Within weeks, Jake was marching around the house like a tiny soldier instead of throwing punches.


  4. Reinforce Positive Behavior

    Every time Jake handled frustration without hitting, Sarah praised him: “I love how you used your words instead of your hands!” Praise rewires the brain by reinforcing neural pathways for self-control.


A Toddler Success Story


Fast forward a month - Sarah called me, laughing. “Jake tried to hit his sister today but stopped himself and said, ‘I stomp!’ instead. It was like watching a lightbulb turn on!”


That’s the power of teaching, not punishing.


Final Thoughts


Toddler aggression can be tough, but remember - your child isn’t bad, their brain is just still developing. By staying calm, teaching alternatives, and reinforcing the right behaviors to stop toddler hitting and biting, you’ll help them build lifelong emotional regulation skills (without losing your sanity in the process).


Need More Parenting Strategies?


If toddler tantrums, biting, or emotional meltdowns are running your household, I can help!


My coaching sessions give parents neuroscience-backed strategies to handle big emotions (theirs and their child’s). Let’s get you from overwhelmed to confident - schedule a free 30-min Zoom chat with me today so I can learn about your challenges.



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