Stop Negotiating with Your Toddler: Try This!

You ask your toddler to put on their shoes. They say no. You ask again, nicely. Then more firmly. Then you’re pleading, reasoning, explaining why you’re already late. Suddenly, you’re in a full-blown debate with someone who still thinks stickers are currency. Sound familiar?

First off - breathe, Mama. You're not failing. You're navigating a completely normal developmental stage that is fueled by independence, curiosity, and yes, a beautifully underdeveloped prefrontal cortex (aka, their "thinking brain").

Let’s talk about why your toddler isn’t out to ruin your morning.

The brain science behind toddler defiance

Your toddler isn’t trying to be difficult - they’re literally learning how to be a person. Their brains are rapidly growing, but they’re still ruled by the emotional brain (the amygdala), not the rational one. When we start negotiating, it actually invites them into a space they’re not developmentally ready to handle. We accidentally put them in charge - and they know it.

That’s why when we say things like, “Do you want to brush your teeth now?” and they say no... well, you opened the door. Negotiating with toddlers sounds like giving them a voice, but it often feels like they're running the show. That leads to more chaos, not connection.

Stop negotiating with your toddler - set clear, loving boundaries instead

Toddlers need structure like we need coffee. And just like we function better when we know what’s coming next, they thrive with predictable routines and calm, confident leadership. When we say, “It’s time to brush your teeth now,” instead of asking if they want to, we’re giving them safety. Not control.

This doesn’t mean you become a drill sergeant. It means you show up calm, firm, and kind - even when they’re melting down because you gave them the “wrong” banana.

Boundaries are not mean. Boundaries are love.

What to do instead

• State the boundary confidently: “We’re leaving in five minutes. Time to put on shoes.”

• Give limited choices when appropriate: “Do you want to wear the blue shoes or the red ones?”

• Acknowledge feelings without backing down: “You really wanted to keep playing. That’s hard. It’s time to go now.”

• Stay calm (even if they’re not): Co-regulation matters more than you think. When their emotions go high, your job is to stay low.

  
  

Toddlers don’t need us to explain the “why” in the moment of chaos - they need us to be their steady. You can talk through logic later, when their brain is back online.

And hey - if you’ve found yourself bargaining with bedtime or turning into a snack-time hostage negotiator… you’re in good company. We’ve all been there.

Let’s stop beating ourselves up and always negotiating with our toddler. Let's start showing up with confidence and compassion.

Real coaching, real support

If this hit home and you want more tips like this (plus a community that gets it), you belong inside RealWomen, RealCoaching™. We talk parenting, boundaries, emotions, and everything in between. Come get the tools and the encouragement.

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