As parents, we’ve all had those moments of pure frustration, where we blurt out, “Why do you act that way?” It’s a question that feels natural when trying to understand a child’s behavior, but here’s the kicker: it’s not as helpful as we think.
In fact, it can backfire. Let’s dive into why this question often misses the mark, what neuroscience says about how kids process emotions, and a real-life example of how I helped a client reframe her approach with her son.
Why “Why Do You Act That Way?” Creates More Problems

It Creates Shame Instead of Solutions
When kids hear, “Why do you act that way?” they often internalize it as, “What’s wrong with me?” This can lead to feelings of shame rather than the curiosity needed to explore and understand their behavior. Shame doesn’t build learning; it blocks it.
Their Brain Isn’t Ready to Process
Here’s the science: when kids experience big emotions, their amygdala (the brain’s emotional control center) takes over, putting them into a “fight, flight, or freeze” state. Logical thinking shuts down, and their prefrontal cortex - the part of the brain responsible for reasoning - is essentially offline.
Expecting them to explain their actions in that moment is like asking a car to start without gas. It’s just not going to happen.
It Misses the Root Cause
Behavior is a form of communication. When a child acts out, it’s often because they feel overwhelmed, scared, or disconnected. Focusing on why skips over the emotional need behind the behavior.
A Real-Life Example from a Parent I Worked With
One of my clients - a mother of two - was stuck in a cycle of frustration with her 7-year-old son. He often had meltdowns when it was time to transition, like leaving a playdate or coming to dinner. In her frustration, she would ask, “Why do you act this way?” hoping it would help him understand his own behavior.
But instead of calming him down, her question led to more tears, yelling, or silence. She felt stuck and overwhelmed.
We worked together to shift her approach. Here’s what we tried:
Acknowledging Emotions First: Instead of asking “why,” she began narrating what she saw: “You’re really upset right now. It’s hard to stop playing when you’re having so much fun.”
Getting Curious Without Judgment: Once he calmed down, she’d ask, “What was making it hard to stop today?” This gave him the space to explain that he felt rushed and didn’t like leaving games unfinished.
Collaborating on Solutions: Together, they decided she would give a 5-minute warning before transitions.
The result? His meltdowns didn’t completely disappear, but they decreased significantly. More importantly, their relationship strengthened because he felt understood and respected.
What to Say Instead
If you find yourself about to ask, “Why do you act that way?” try these phrases instead:
“I can see you’re feeling really upset. What’s going on?”
“This seems really hard for you. Let’s figure it out together.”
“What do you need from me right now?”
These statements help kids feel safe, which calms their brain and allows them to access the reasoning part needed to problem-solve.
Why This Matters
Parenting is tough. Kids don’t need perfect parents - they need present ones. And when we focus on understanding their emotions instead of their actions, we’re helping them develop critical emotional intelligence skills.
So, next time you feel the words “Why do you act that way?” bubbling up, take a breath. Lead with compassion and curiosity. Not only will it help your child, but it will also deepen the connection between you.
👉 And if you’re ready to dig deeper into these strategies, I’m here to help. Together, we can create approaches that truly work for you and your family.
👉 For more parenting hacks and tips, follow me on social media HERE and check back each Tuesday for fresh content related to parenting.
Wow it's so refreshing to have very specific and applicable tips from Dr Renea! I'm always so impressed by her ability to break it down to simple terms that I can actually put to work immediately - and sometimes even memorize. These are honestly great for ALL relationships - when I read the 3 example questions (starting with "I can see..." I actually teared yo thinking of someone speaking to me with some compassion and curiosity. Thank you Dr Renea!