
Let’s dive into a topic that hits close to home for me - how we talk to our kids, especially those with ADHD. My son has ADHD, and he’s taught me more about patience, communication, and resilience than I could’ve ever imagined. He’s also taught me how powerful my words can be - for better or worse.
One evening, when my son was younger, he was struggling with homework. Papers were crumpled, pencils were flying, and I was at my wit’s end. I blurted out, “Why can’t you just focus? It’s not that hard!”
As soon as I said it, I saw the hurt on his face. My heart sank. I didn’t mean to make him feel small, but the message he received was, “You’re not good enough.” That wasn’t fair to him, and it wasn’t fair to me.
Kids with ADHD process criticism differently. Their brains already work overtime managing focus, emotions, and impulses. Words like “lazy” or “why can’t you” activate their stress response, making it even harder for them to succeed.
In that moment, I took a deep breath and tried again: “I see you’re having a tough time. Let’s break this down together.” His whole body softened. Instead of shutting down, he leaned in, and we tackled it one step at a time.
Why Words Matter
When we speak to our kids with encouragement and understanding, we help their brains release dopamine - the feel-good chemical ADHD brains crave to function at their best. On the flip side, harsh words trigger cortisol, a stress hormone that makes focus and self-regulation even harder.
Positive communication isn’t about letting them off the hook; it’s about setting them up for success.
What Not to Say to an ADHD Child (and Say)
Here are some common phrases we might use out of frustration, paired with alternatives that build connection and motivation:
Avoid saying: “Why can’t you just focus?” Try instead: “I see you’re having a hard time. How can I help?”
Avoid saying: “Stop being lazy." Try instead: “Let’s take a break and come back to this together.”
Avoid saying: “You’re always forgetting things.” Try instead: “What can we do to help you remember next time?”
Avoid saying: “If you just tried harder, you’d do better.” Try instead: “I know this is tough, but I’m proud of the effort you’re putting in.”
Avoid saying: “Why are you so disorganized?” Try instead: “Let’s figure out a system to keep things in order.”
Avoid saying: “Stop overreacting.” Try instead: “I can see you’re upset. Let’s take a moment to calm down together.”
Avoid saying: “Hurry up! You’re so slow.” Try instead: “Let’s see if we can make this a game to finish faster!”
Avoid saying: “You never listen to me.” Try instead: “I need your full attention. Can we talk about this together?”
Avoid saying: “What’s wrong with you?” Try instead: “I know you’re trying. What can we do to make this easier?”
Avoid saying: “You’ll never get it right.” Try instead: “Mistakes happen - what did we learn from this?”
How to Reset the Moment
We all have moments when frustration gets the best of us. If you slip up (and trust me, I do too), it’s okay to apologize. Kids with ADHD are incredibly forgiving when they see that you’re trying. A simple “I’m sorry for how I said that earlier; I know you’re doing your best” can go a long way.
Call to Action
Parenting a child with ADHD can feel overwhelming, but remember - you’re not alone. The next time frustration builds, pause and choose words that encourage, rather than discourage. You have the power to help your child feel seen, understood, and supported.
If you’d like more personalized tips or strategies, reach out for a coaching session or check out LinkTree for more resources. Together, we can navigate the highs and lows of parenting ADHD kids - and celebrate the wins along the way.
You’ve got this!
Comments