According to the dictionary, shame is a “painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.” Oof. In plain terms, it’s the feeling that whispers (or sometimes shouts), “I am bad,” instead of, “I did something bad” (which is guilt).
Think of it this way: guilt says, “You messed up,” while shame goes further and says, “You ARE the mess.” Big difference, right?
One study even describes shame as “global self-evisceration.” Yikes! But here’s the thing: shame isn’t really an emotion on its own. It’s more like the aftershock of an earthquake - something else is shaking beneath the surface. Usually, it’s feelings of inadequacy, fear, or even the heartbreaking thought that we’re unloved.
How Shame Affects the Brain
Here’s where neuroscience comes in. When you feel shame, your brain’s amygdala - the fear center - kicks into survival mode. This triggers a flight or freeze response. Ever notice how kids (or let’s be real, adults) react when they’re embarrassed? They shrink back, hide, or go quiet. That’s your brain’s way of saying, “Let’s avoid this whole situation altogether.”
The problem? Instead of helping, shame leaves you stuck in a spiral of self-doubt and disconnection.
A Simple Hack to Break the Shame Spiral
When shame sneaks in, try this neuroscience-backed technique called the “Cross-Body Tap” or “Butterfly Tap.” This exercise uses bilateral stimulation to calm your nervous system and help process tough emotions. Here's how to do it:
Sit comfortably and take a deep breath.
Cross your arms over your chest, resting your hands on your shoulders or upper arms.
Slowly tap your left shoulder with your right hand, then your right shoulder with your left hand, in a rhythmic pattern.
Continue tapping for about 60 seconds, focusing on the rhythm and your breath.
Why it works: This technique engages both hemispheres of your brain, moving emotional overwhelm out of the limbic system (where feelings like shame get stuck) and into the prefrontal cortex (where logic and reasoning live). It’s like giving your brain a reset button.
Calling Out Shame for What It Is
Shame loves to tell you lies - like, “You’re unlovable,” or “You’ll never get this right.” The more we listen to shame, the more we feel powerless, isolated, and disconnected.
But you CAN break free. Here’s how:
Name it: Recognize shame for what it is - a reaction, not your reality.
Ask yourself:
What emotion is underneath this shame?
What’s the real story I’m telling myself?
What’s true about me, even in this moment?
Reconnect: Shame thrives in isolation, but connection is its kryptonite. Talking to someone you trust or seeking support from a coach or community can help.
You Are Not Your Worst Moment
The next time shame tries to throw a pity party, take a deep breath, do the cross-body tap, and maybe even laugh a little (because, honestly, shame can be kind of ridiculous). You are so much more than your mistakes, and you’re definitely not alone in this.
Want Extra Support?
👉 If you’re ready to ditch the shame and live life without the extra baggage, I’d love to help. I offer a free 30-minute Zoom chat so you can see if life coaching is the right fit for you. You can book our chat HERE.
Oh, and here’s something fun - I also offer gift certificates! They make a thoughtful gift for someone you care about who might need a little extra encouragement.
Here’s to ditching shame, reconnecting with what’s true, and living a life that’s lighter, freer, and full of wins. You’ve got this!
Dr. Renea
P.S. Don’t forget to follow me for more insights, tools, and personal stories to inspire your own journey. Click HERE to stay connected!
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